


Deserving

by Jade92



Category: EastEnders (TV)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-20
Updated: 2019-09-20
Packaged: 2020-10-24 23:41:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,719
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20714486
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jade92/pseuds/Jade92
Summary: Based on spoilers - Following their disastrous second attempt at a date and Ben deciding he and Callum would be better off as friends, Callum decides to confront Ben to see if he can change his mind.





	Deserving

**Author's Note:**

> After reading spoilers for w/b 30th September this morning, I went to work with these boys chattering away in my head and they wouldn't leave me alone until I'd written this. It's mostly dialogue and a first draft because if I don't post it tonight I won't get any sleep.
> 
> Enjoy!

It’s not like the night had been going well. Sure, it had started off alright and they had talked about what they had each been getting up to lately, but then things had started to get stale. Callum had been awkward and Ben had fallen quiet and suddenly the younger man had been standing up in a hurry and saying that perhaps their attempt at a date hadn’t been such a good idea after all. 

And since then, Callum had been left wondering what had happened. 

The flat is in darkness when he arrives home. A quick scan tells him that neither Rainie or Stuart are home and he should be glad really because he can’t remember the last time the place was quiet but he’s not. He needs a distraction. 

He’s spent the past hour wondering around in circles out in the Square analysing every part of tonight from the moment he decided what to wear to the moment Ben stood up and walked away from him. Had he said something wrong? Had he done something? Did Ben suddenly decide that this great big fumbling idiot in front of him really wasn’t worth the hassle after all? 

He walks over to the fridge, opening it and taking out a bottle of lager before shaking his head and putting it back. He’s angry with himself. Of course Ben wouldn’t want someone like him. What has Callum Highway ever had to offer anyone? Ben made him feel like he could have been worth it though. He wants to be worth it. He wants…..so much. 

He has to know. He needs an explanation even if it is that he just doesn’t measure up like every other man has for Ben. He has to hear it for himself. 

Callum doesn’t remember leaving the parlour nor his journey across the Square but now he’s here with the Mitchell’s house looming over him and it makes him want to turn around and give up. But Ben is in there and up until now Ben has never given up. 

He steps forward and opens the gate, strides up the path, and is just about to knock on the door when it swings open and he’s blinded by the bright light coming from inside the kitchen. 

“Callum!” Sharon says, stepping backwards slightly with surprise. 

“I um….I’m here….” Callum stumbles. He sighs before trying again. “Is Ben in?”

Sharon steps aside for him and smiles. “I’m just on my way over to the club. You’ve got the house to yourselves. I’ll warn you though, he’s in a foul mood. As usual.” She moves past him, leaving the door open for him to go inside. He stares into the empty kitchen for a moment before stepping inside and closing the door behind him. 

He’s barely walked two steps when he sees him. Ben’s stood at the other end of the hallway and for a moment they just look at each other. 

“What are you doing here, Callum?” He sounds tired. 

“I wanted to see you were ok.”

“I’m fine,” Ben shrugs before moving into the living room. 

Callum follows because when does he not? Ben is leaning against the table almost like he is waiting. The room is silent apart from the ticking of the clock which only serves to make Callum feel more antsy then he already was. For someone who never shuts up, Ben is doing a damn good job of it now. 

“I…I know I ain't…..” Callum starts before trailing off unsure of how to say all the things his mind has been telling him. Ben waits with hand on hip and a bored expression on his face. “I know I’m awkward and a bit clueless and I know I ain't like other blokes you’ve been with and – ”

“Wait, wait, wait!” Ben interrupts, suddenly straightening up, confusion appearing on his face. “That’s what you think?” 

“It’s ok, Ben. It makes sense you wouldn’t want to waste your time on a date with someone who doesn’t know what he’s doing half the time. I know I ruined it.”

“No, Callum.”

“It’s just, I overthink everything, all the time and I always make a mess of things even when I’m trying not to. Especially when I’m trying not to. And I wanted to get everything right but I just let nerves get the better of me like I always do.”

“You have got this so wrong,” Ben says as he shakes his head. “You think I weren’t nervous tonight?”

It’s Callum’s turn to be confused now. He can’t imagine someone like Ben feeling nervous about anything. 

“I know I act all confident,” Ben continues, almost as if he can see what he’s thinking. “I meet blokes and I know all the right things to say and I know what I’m doing and I’m good at it too. But they’re hook ups, Callum. When it comes to dates with blokes I got feelings for, I ain’t got a clue.” 

“So, I don’t get it. If you were as nervous as I was, why’d you walk out?”

Ben sighs and turns away, leaning on a chair. “I just think we’re better off being mates.”

Callum nods even though he doesn’t agree. Even though he knows Ben can’t see him anyway. “I don’t see what’s changed, Ben. I know tonight didn’t work out but we could try again, yeah? Some place different if you want?”

“No, Callum, you ain’t getting it.”

“What I’m getting is that you wanted this date to happen and then got nervous so decided to just give up. But that ain’t you is it? I know how annoyingly stubborn you can be. So either you’ve gone off me or you don’t think it’s worth it anymore. Or you ain't telling me everything. So which is it Ben?” He can feel anger starting to rise inside himself. It’s not that he’s angry with Ben. How can he be angry at him for being as nervous as he was and still is? But Ben’s been the one pushing all this time. He’s been the one who has tried to get Callum to confront who is really is. And now it’s like it’s all been for nothing. 

“You were right what you said earlier. You are clueless.” He turns around so he’s facing Callum again and there’s something in his eyes that Callum can’t quite work out. He looks sad. “I ain’t gone off you, you idiot, though that would make this a whole lot easier. I thought we could have something good, me and you. But then I started to feel….” He closes his eyes momentarily before looking back at Callum again. “You deserve someone who can give you everything. Someone who can make you really happy. Someone……someone who ain’t me.”

“Why d’you think that ain’t you?” 

Ben looks to the floor. He’s quiet when he says, “In the end I’ll hurt you. Break everything I touch don't I?”

He doesn’t know where to begin arguing with Ben. Callum has never seen him so down on himself apart from that night he discovered Ben lying on the bed in his spare bedroom, clutching at a pillow, bottle of alcohol beside him. He thinks about that night and about something Jay had said a couple of months ago about how Ben will never get over it, how he’ll always blame himself. 

“This is about Paul, ain’t it?” he voices. He knows he doesn’t have a right to even mention that name, not when he doesn’t fully understand everything that happened between Ben and him. He’s expecting Ben to snap at him like the last time they spoke about Paul but instead there’s just silence and the tiniest of shrugs from Ben. Callum figures it’s better than no response at all. 

“There was this bloke I worked with in the army,” Callum starts. Ben looks up at him, giving him all his attention so Callum continues. “I knew I liked him but I just couldn’t be honest with myself so I tried to squash it. I met Whit and she made me feel good about myself and I thought maybe if I tried hard I could forget about Chris. I really liked him but I couldn’t be myself with him. I couldn’t let him in. I was scared, you know? And then you came along and you just pulled these walls down that have been there for years like it was effortless. You did that, Ben. No one else. And I think, it can’t be for nothing can it?”

“I’m sorry I – ”

“Don’t be sorry!” Callum almost shouts, determined to get Ben to see. He steps forwards until they’re within touching distance. “Don’t be sorry. I’m where I am now because of you.”

“Yeah, living a life you’ve spent years running from,” Ben scoffs. “You said it yourself; you want things to go back to the way they were.”

“A lot of the time I do, yeah,” he nods. “But it ain’t always going to be like that. It’s just a lot at the minute. But I wanted to go out with you tonight and I couldn’t have done that without you.”

Ben chuckles. “You’re right. That would have been difficult.”

“You know what I mean,” Callum says, rolling his eyes as he thinks about his wording. “If I didn’t want to be there I wouldn’t have been. And I know it was awkward and I know it probably ain't what you thought it was going to be but please, Ben, please can we just try again?”

“I just think with someone else – ”

“Stop making decisions for me! Don’t I get to decide who or what I deserve? I like you Ben. I know it’s taken me a while to say it but I want to see where this could go.”

Ben smiles slowly and Callum feels hope spark in his chest. “What was that bit about you liking me? I didn’t quite catch it.”

“Don’t push it” Callum says, but he can’t help but smile too. “So….is that a yes to trying again?”

He feels Ben’s hand graze his and reaches out to take it. 

“Well I guess if you like me and I like you it would be silly not to wouldn’t it?”


End file.
